Stress and unbelief

I read a book over Christmas break by John Medina called: "Brain Rules." John Medina is a brain scientist but this is not a neuroscience kind of book; it is a normal people kind of book. It was my vacation, after all.

I was especially interested in the chapter on stress and the brain. Stress can be good for the brain or it can be bad for the brain; it depends.

Research is like that. Welcome to my world.

Stress is good when it is short term. Chemicals are released in the brain to enhance performance. One famous example is a group of high school students taking the SAT test while a hurricane raged outdoors. The testing company assumed they would have to toss the scores and do a retest. The scores turned out to be higher than expected. Even though the students were worried about family and traveling home, they still did better on the test than expected.

Don't even get me started on high stakes testing in our schools.

Stress is bad when it is chronic. When you are under stress for a long period of time, those performance enhancing chemicals can interfere with your ability to learn and can cause untold harm to your brain and body. People who provide long-term care for chronically ill loved ones have shown us this phenomenon.

The other curious thing about stress is that one person's performance de-enhancing stress is another's performance booster. The event itself is not the stress. Stress is more likely to be damaging if the person experiencing the event views it as adverse. Running a marathon, although physically tiring, would be an enhancer for some. For me: not so much. We are talking major de-enhancing stress.

A big part of stress is how we view the situation, how we react to the situation, and whether or not we are prepared for the situation. If we view the stressor as enjoyable, if we react positively and are prepared for the stressor, the results will be enhancing. If, however, we are unprepared, see the situation negatively and react poorly, the results will be detrimental. God created our minds to be able to deal with stress. Furthermore, He knows how much stress we can take before it is too much. He knows this because He created us. Not only that, He knows us so well He can give us a minute by minute count of the hairs on our heads.

So, why can't I get rid of my anxiety? I sit in class and listen to the professor go on and on about effect sizes and formulas and I feel the knot in my stomach spread to become a migraine in my head. I doubt this reaction is performance enhancing. If I were to contact God on my way out of class regarding the number of hairs, He would report at least a 5% loss. It is a good thing I can't do that because then I would worry all the way home about whether or not that number of hairs was statistically significant. As my stats prof would say: "are we in the critical region?"

Uh, um, maybe.

In spite of all that God has done for me, I am an Israelite wandering in the desert of graduate school wondering if He will send manna, again. Never mind the fact He sent it every day before. Forget the miracles, forget the covenant, forget the awesome power of my God, forget the absolute strength and consistency of His promise to me; I am anxious because today might be different; today He might forget to send the manna.

Really? Seriously?

Think again, who does most all of the forgetting in this relationship? Yeah, that's right: me.

What is keeping me from letting go of my anxiety? What prevents me from viewing these classes as a positive thing? Why do the chemicals released in my brain cause harm instead of enhancement? Hmmm, could it be a faith issue?

Ya' think?

12 men went into Canaan to do reconnaissance. Ten reacted to the stress by clinging to anxiety:

And they told him, "We came to the land to which you sent us. It flows with milk and honey, and this is its fruit. However, the people who dwell in the land are strong, and the cities are fortified and very large.

However, two did not:

But Caleb quieted the people before Moses and said, "Let us go up at once and occupy it, for we are well able to overcome it." Numbers 13: 27-28 and 30 ESV

God had prepared all twelve men equally. They had all been beneficiaries of God's strength and fidelity. They had all been to the same Canaan and seen the same fruit and the same fortifications. It was faith that made the difference between what was performance enhancing and what was anxiety causing.

I am venturing into the Canaan of statistics and measurement. I am not seeing the fruits of the land because I am preoccupied with the giants that haunt me. This stress is not any bigger than any other stress I have experienced before. Furthermore, my faith potential is not any less.

"I believe; help my unbelief!" Mark 8:24 ESV

One of those two men who saw Canaan as potential was appointed to replace Moses as leader of God's people. Now there's a stressor for you. He was to replace Moses; he was to lead an especially difficult group of people; and their job was to conquer a land full of giants. God strengthened his faith by commanding him, three times, to be strong and courageous.

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go." Joshua1:9 ESV

Abba, father, Amen.

A Hiding Place

Our cat has found a new hiding place. She tucks herself in between the wall register and the portable radiator heater that actually keeps my office area warm. She finds this spot a great place to sit; occasionally turning around to warm her other side.

When she is feeling adventurous she sits up in the window sill to watch over our backyard. The window sill is much more entertaining and she has a soft spot to sit. But, the windowsill is cold so she eventually returns to her hiding place.

When the temperature situation is at an extreme low, and she is in need of significant cognitive inhibition, she burrows under the blankets on our bed. I can relate.

We all need a hiding place at some point in our lives. Some of us need one nearly every day. I am an introvert who has learned to interact like an extrovert, but, it takes a lot out of me. I retreat to my room at night and settle in with my computer so my brain can process all the face time I experienced during the day. Some days it is all too easy to spend time in my hiding place. It seems odd to me because I love talking to people and I especially love teaching, but when I think of my "dream job" it usually involves staying at home and working, by myself.

I have been identifying with Moses, lately. Moses would have loved nothing better than to be a shepherd for the rest of his life.

Now the man Moses was very meek, more than all people who were on the face of the earth. Numbers 12:3 ESV

Extroverts are the ones who would enjoy running for public office, yet God chose Moses. A leader of thousands planning to escape slavery and begin a new nation would need oratory skills that could persuade, yet God chose Moses. This job was going to require someone who could influence, inspire, and interface, yet God chose Moses; a man who was more comfortable leading sheep than a nation. Moses didn't want the attention; he wanted long hours alone to think. Moses didn't want the prophet's staff that performed miracles; he was happy with the shepherd's staff that guided sheep. Moses, who as a young man, walked away from a position of great power and leadership; begged to not be appointed to the task of God's calling. Yet, God chose Moses.

One of my advisor's favorite research topics is the development of talent and expertise. We assume that the truly great performers of our time where born with great talent. There is nothing to indicate that is true. Research done on people with great expertise points instead to arduous work and years of practice before any expertise even begins to show. Even Mozart, who began composing at the tender age of six, did not produce anything of merit until he had worked at it for 10 years.

God shows us that He can take any one of His children and create a leader, an expert, a servant of God. He can provide us with the abilities we need and He makes use of not only our hard work, but our miserable failures.

We have all become like one who is unclean, and all our righteous deeds are like a polluted garment. We all fade like a leaf, and our iniquities, like the wind, take us away. Isaiah 64:6 ESV

Here is a paradox of our faith and life: all our work is polluted, all our talents are useless, but, God uses us anyway. He turns our flailing efforts into success for His kingdom. And He does this even if we would prefer to be in our hiding place. Hit fits us for the task he sets before us. So when people remark: "I don't know how you can do it," you know that God is the reason behind your work and ministry. And when you lament: "I don't think I can do this," you know that the simple fact that God chose you, is why you can do the work.

You are my hiding place and my shield; I hope in your word. Psalm 119:114 ESV

As you can imagine, while I am writing this I am sitting in my hiding place. My brain and heart are calm and my God is with me as I walk through his word. In a few hours I will need to go to class and tomorrow I teach. I will come home tired and wanting to retreat. I cannot speak for my efforts in either classroom. I see God working in the lives of my students, but I also intensely feel my mistakes. I sit in class and feverishly take notes, but my current classes are all statistics classes and I am afraid my math skills are on a par with Moses' speech impediment. Yet, God chooses for me to be here. He is my hiding place. He is my strength. He is your strength.

"Behold, God is my salvation; I will trust, and will not be afraid; for the LORD GOD is my strength and my song, and he has become my salvation. Isaiah 12:2 ESV

Plowing Through

This semester was one of THOSE kinds of semesters; one of the times in my life where I had to just put my head down, and plow through it. I was snowed-in with work; I took three classes with a total of 48 chapters and close to 100 journal articles of reading. I had four papers to write, (one that I rewrote for a better grade,) 5 presentations, and two major projects to complete. I watched my advisor teach his class and then taught that lesson to two other groups, twice a week, and I lesson-planned and graded for 80 students. I also started working on a Doctoral Seminar project that I don't actually get credit for until next semester. I even presented at two different conferences, including one that was a five hour presentation. On top of that my mother had successful surgery implanting a pacemaker. (Thank you, God!).

It was the kind of semester, much like being snowed-in, where you continue unaware of what is going on around you. I came out of the semester realizing that my daughter had managed to graduate from UNL. Thankfully, she and her good friend Tiffany had party plans under control. It is not a semester that I would have planned! It is not a semester that I could have survived – on my own. It is one of those significant times in my life when I felt God at my side, keeping me alert, giving me insights, calming my heart, and lifting me up to receive His strength. I fear there are more of these semesters to come.

It occurs to me how easy it is to wrap oneself up in the busy-ness of life; how easy it is to focus only on what weighs you down and not on the road ahead or on the loved ones around you. I buried myself in a drift of snow and don't even have a snow fort to show for it. Many of the professors, with whom I work, have an amazing ability to block out everything around them in order to focus. They are also very good at protecting themselves from outside work. This is part of what helps them to achieve what they do in their respective fields. However, it is also what keeps some of them from realizing that there is a real world out there: a world of people who are interesting, a world of people who are hurting, a world of real problems to wrestle with and learn from. I have had my taste of being buried under that kind of snowdrift. Do I like it? Not so much.

God created us to be in fellowship. He created us to look to Him for all we need and to look to others for opportunities to use our faith and to be blessed by the faith of others. He didn't put us on earth to live in separate offices. He gave us each a family, by our birth and by our rebirth in His church. My Bible reading has me in Exodus. I tend to slide through the last chapters. The excitement of the first few chapters makes the painfully precise description of the building of the tabernacle rather slow reading. It is amazing to think about the skill and care that went into their house of worship. It needed to be a place to meet God and to meet with each other and it needed to be portable. Later, Solomon's temple became the place everyone returned to during Passover. It was a beautiful place of fellowship; fellowship with God and fellowship with the children of God.

There are many of us in the Midwest digging out from under huge drifts of snow. May God bless this time as a time of rest and renewal. May God then send us out to be in fellowship with Him and with His children.

Then the cloud covered the Tent of Meeting, and the glory of the LORD filled the tabernacle.

Exodus 40: 34

If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from His love, if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose. Philippians 2: 1-2

Wait, what am I supposed to be doing?

I just got back from an errand run. I intended to mail a birthday package to a friend, drop off a coat at the dry cleaners, and deliver a stool sample to the vet. I got home and stopped to wonder if I actually got everything to the right place. Surely, the vet would have said something if I dropped off my thrift shop find there, but, I sure hope I didn't accidentally mail my friend the stool sample. I think, maybe, I have too many things on my mental list and some practical awareness ability is starting to go.

Oh, good, the vet just called; my wool coat has a bacterial infection.

It feels like the semester has barely begun and yet midterms are right around the corner. I have lots of papers due and projects to start, and grading to complete. It is also time to get ready for next semester in terms of picking classes to take and class time slots for teaching. I create a list of things to do and sit down and wonder where to start. Next week, I fly to Oregon to present at a teacher's conference. I am relieved, that while I am on that trip, I will only be responsible for one thing at a time. I am blessed to have Paul come along to drive. In my present condition (Old age? Grad student dementia?) I didn't think even MapQuest could get me from the airport to the conference center, nearly 2 hours away. I had a feeling I would get on some highway and not stop until I realized I was in Alaska.

Wait, did I just see former Gov. Palin? I think I made a wrong turn somewhere.

I sit at my desk in my office and nervously check my schedule. What time is it? Where should I be? What should I be doing? I manage to make sure I show up to the right classroom at the right time to either teach or learn, but, just barely. I find myself slowly becoming more and more like my advisor who looked up at me the other day and asked "what building is it that I teach in, again?"

Seriously, I kid you, not.

No, really, he did. And this man is my mentor. Even though it is a long time away, yet, I hope we both make it to my dissertation defense.

My life is full of busyness, confusion, and barely hanging on. My life is full of disorder, but my God is not.

For God is not a God of disorder, but of peace. I Corinthians 14:33

In the midst of all my confusion, I can have peace, because of the orderly, thoughtful, complete, nurturing, redemptive love of my Savior and God. My life is a mess with decisions and responsibilities, surrounded by my weaknesses and inadequacies. My world is a mess with sin and grief. Yet, in that sin and grief I know that my God orders my days, protects me from harm and leads me to the place I need to be; by His side.

I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you. Psalm 32:8

Heavy Load

It's not the load that breaks you down, it's the way you carry it. Lena Horne

For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness; knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness; love. For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. But if anyone does not have them, he is nearsighted and blind, and has forgotten that he has been cleansed from his past sins. Therefore, my brothers, be all the more eager to make your calling and election sure, For if you do these things, you will never fall, and you will receive a rich welcome into the eternal kingdom of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. 2 Peter 1: 5-11

I have not been carrying my load very effectively, lately. This is a particularly busy semester as I am watching my advisor teach one day and then repeating his instruction the next two days. I am unhappy with this because I cannot do the long range planning that is required of good teaching. Yet, this is the situation and I must make the best of it for the sake of my students.

I was recently diagnosed with asthma. I am not carrying this burden well, either. I have let it cause me stress as the medicine has begun to work. Now that I am breathing somewhat better, I realize how bad my breathing got and so each new attack brings a bit of panic. It is interesting to me how the asthma did not cause panic before I knew I had it. At that point the inflammation had developed slowly and crept into my daily life unbeknownst to me – kinda liked the frog that boils to death because he doesn't realize he is in a pot in water that is gradually getting warmer. It is only now, when I can notice the difference between good breathing and labored breathing, that I panic.

You may have met someone, or heard stories about people who grow up in horrible situations, or who endure despite disease or injury to go on to live a happy, productive, often amazing life. These people have something called "resiliency." It is the characteristic that allows some to overcome terrible circumstances while others succumb to the burdens of their lives. For them it is not the burden, but how they carry it, that matters. In fact, for many of them, the burden is what made them successful.

Faith is our resiliency. Faith does not guarantee us a carefree life. Faith does not promise we will never carry a burden. In fact, our sinful lives, which point us to our need for faith, almost assuredly guarantee we will have burdens. Some burdens are temporary, and some are life-long. Some burdens sneak up on us and fool us into thinking we can carry them on our own. Other burdens fall on us like a ton a bricks and render us helpless and pleading to God. We all have burdens, and because of the covenant of our baptisms, we all have the faith to carry those burdens.

What a beautiful picture of Grace. This faith is a gift and because it bestows us with resiliency, and at the same time points us to our Heavenly Father, it carries the burdens for us, in a way that they will make us stronger instead of beating us down. If God took the burdens from us, we would not learn from them. If He left us to handle them ourselves, we would break under the strain.

We will not fall; He has blessed us with faith resilience. This truth is in more ways than one, my very breath.

This is what God the LORD says- He who created the heavens and stretched them out, who spread out the earth and all that comes out of it, who gives breath to its people, and life to those who walk on it: "I, the LORD have called you in righteousness; I will take hold of your hand. I will keep you and will make you to be a covenant for the people and a light for the Gentiles, to open eyes that are blind, to free captives from prison and to release from the dungeon those who sit in darkness." Isaiah 42: 5-7

Fall like rain

Let my teaching fall like rain and my words descend like dew, like showers on new grass, like abundant rain on tender plants. Deuteronomy 32:2

A print of a watercolor calligraphy of this verse, a member gift from LEA long ago, hangs on my office wall. The verse is my prayer each Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday before I pick up my bag and head down to my classroom. It is a potent reminder of my responsibility, and of the grace offered by my Savior.

I don't teach kindergarten anymore. I don't even teach in a Lutheran classroom anymore. One of the nice things about teaching children is that no one tells you to not get emotionally involved. Getting emotionally involved with your students is a blessing. You spend all day with them; you learn their quirks and endearing mannerisms. You get hints as to the struggles they face and know all too well the struggles they might cause in your classroom. While no teacher relishes the need to talk with parents about tough situations, and we all dread having to call Child Protective Services about possible abuse, it is, none the less, a blessing that we can do this. We can make a difference in a child's life; a difference that some children desperately need.

I don't teach young children, anymore. Now, I teach big kids on a university campus. These students are, for a mere 16 weeks, on my roster. I see them for two hours a week and some not even that much. What does "teaching fall like rain" mean in this situation?

I am starting to get to know some of the 82 students I teach. One young man has asked me for writing advice as he and his father are writing a book on divorce. Another young man turned down an offer to play pro baseball because he wants a degree in business. He will probably have that pro career but he is thinking beyond that. Another athlete gets physically ill when his football team loses a game. Then there are the students who struggle with unexpected issues, like the two students who missed class because they attended the funeral of their best friend's fathers. Or the young man who admitted to me, in a paper he handed in, that he has a drinking problem. I can't forget the foreign students who have so much beyond language to translate as they swim in this culture so different from their own. And I worry over the young man who is struggling with seizures and doesn't want to register his condition as a disability so he can ask the professor for pre-written notes from class. Then there are the students who are on academic probation due to their indulgence in new-found freedoms. For many of them their habits of last semester are still driving their decisions this semester.

For some of them, I want to call their parents and set up a parent/teacher conference. I threaten to do it, but the students and I both know, I can't. The best I can do is to refer them to available help. Again, I ask, what does teaching that falls like rain mean in this type of setting?

I planted the seed, Apollos watered it, but God made it grow. So neither he who plants not he who waters is anything, but only God, who makes things grow. I Corinthians 3: 6- 7

This verse helps me to put things into a better perspective. I asked God to let my teaching fall like a gentle nurturing rain. I do not ask Him to give me the responsibility to make the grass grow. This responsibility always belongs to God. He blesses us by allowing us to be a small part in the process. With this small part, come huge responsibilities to take care of our behavior and to pay attention to how we represent our Savior to the young ones in our care. We are to work, through the power of the Spirit, to follow the opening line of the Hippocratic Oath: first, do no harm. The efficacy of the rain is God's responsibility. Sometimes we plant a seed, sometimes we water the seed previously planted. The growth of the plant is God's job.

To my friends who teach: I will remember you in my prayers this week. May God always let your teaching fall like rain. And may He show you the growth; you seek, in your students.

Control issues, again

I have an interesting bunch of students in the study skills classes I teach for the University. Some are seniors getting ready for graduate school and some are sophomores who crashed and burned during their freshman year. I also have a dozen or so student athletes, including seven who play football for the Huskers.

Part of learning study skills is in understanding what motivates you to change. I just finished a seminar class on motivation so I have a whole bagful of constructs tricks to use with this group. This past week we have been talking about "locus of control." We have been discovering where each of us believes the control of our life lies. Do we, personally, have control over what happens to us or is our life left up to external forces such as fate, or perhaps professors? People with internal locus of control have much happier and productive lives. They are less likely to gamble, to become addicted, are more persuasive, take better care of their health and are less likely to suffer from debilitating depression. They are this way because they consider themselves to be in control of what happens to them. This means they see reason to problem solve, put in effort, and motivate themselves to make good decisions. People with an external locus of control tend to complain, do little to improve their lives, and are ready and willing to give up in the face of problems. People with external locus of control are even less likely to survive a tornado. I guess they figure if they are going to die anyway, they might as well sit on the front porch and watch that F5 cloud of dust heading their way.

However, there is one notable exception to the locus of control rule: people with a strong faith in God. We know that our locus of control is external. In fact, it couldn't get more external. Yet, we are goal setters, achievers, persuasive, and happy; all markers for people who have an internal, or personal sense of control. Furthermore, this fact has not gone unnoticed by researchers. They just cannot adequately explain it.

We do not compare, in any way, to the huge football players in my class. They are remarkable athletes who had their pick of scholarships to division one schools. In achieving this goal, they have had to work harder than most of us can imagine, yet they have an external locus of control because their lives are carefully orchestrated by the athletic department, members of whom have access to all their classes, grades and assignments. This department schedules their every waking minute, even when they get their homework done, in a supervised environment. They have no motivation to change their study habits, and even in the face of real evidence; still refuse to take any notes in class. They do not believe they have any control over their life; and maybe they are right.

So why are we, as children of God, not like these football players? We have an external locus of control; we know that God is in charge of everything that happens to us. We have a goal of "going pro" (I am thinking heaven, here) but yet, we do work, in the here and now, to have a healthy control in our day to day lives. We are living in a paradox. We are simultaneous saint and sinner; we are children of an all powerful God who have been granted free-will. We live under the law and are surrounded by grace.

The twin gifts of justification and sanctification put our lives into perspective in a way no motivational construct can. We are completely responsible for our fall from grace, in no way responsible for our forgiveness. At the same time, because we have free will, we also know that through the work of the Spirit we can gain some control over our deficits and can make the best use of our gifts. Our locus of control is external but is fine tuned for our survival and benefit. Only God could create a system that works as beautifully as this.

For Christ's love compels us, because we are convinced that one died for all, and therefore all died. 2 Corinthians 5:14

They promise them freedom, while they themselves are slaves of depravity—for a man is a slave to whatever has mastered him. 2 Peter 2:19

But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. 2 Corinthians 4: 7-9